Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
