Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
