People in love make me want to vomit
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
