I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
