Rock
Scissors
Fuck
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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