And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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