everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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