her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
