Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
