For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
