I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
