this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
