I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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