made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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