I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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