So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
