no, he came in my armpit
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
