He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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