happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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