im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
