Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
