toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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