Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
