hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
