i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I am midnight drunk by noon
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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