I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
