just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
