Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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