Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
