listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
