halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
the liver wants what the liver wants
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
