I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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