Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he fucked my hip out of place.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Randomize
