Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Did we literally take a cab across the street
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Also, beer. Big fan.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
