Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
and she was petting her beer can
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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