I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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