Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
