She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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