Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
