Who wears a wallet chain?!
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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