Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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