I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
