Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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