I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
