zippers are such a cool invention
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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