Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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