I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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