I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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