dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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