so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
