dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
