I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I accidentally had phone sex last night
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
