i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
