I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Buhtt sex?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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