If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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