I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
