Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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